theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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