I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
