I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
