70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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