so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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