Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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