my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
