Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
