Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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