dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
