Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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