My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
