I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
