i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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