He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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