I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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