apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
