2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
