You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
how drunk are you?
Several
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
