just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
