This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
