Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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