seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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