my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
