Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
