I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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