So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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