I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
