really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
