Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
