ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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