I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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