he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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