I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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