ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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