I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
