I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
