you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
