I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
is it fun? or sober?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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