the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
