I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
