im six kinds of drunk right now
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
