I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
