if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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