I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
