I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
