He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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