Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
