How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
