An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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